TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY
by Miss Fenway
Summary: "I can't fix whatever's wrong, but if I fail to pass along that someone cares, the price couldn't be greater.  This can't wait til later." -Warren Barfield's "My Heart Goes Out".  NO SLASH!
1. Introdution

Dear readers,

I am currently reading Jay Asher's "Thirteen Reasons Why" and I can't remember the last time a story has had such a powerful effect on me. I had only read the first chapter when I got the idea for this fic. For those of you who don't know, "Thirteen Reasons Why" is about a high school student, Clay, who finds a box of cassette tapes addressed to him. On those tapes, his former classmate named Hannah, has recorded thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. The tapes are not only for Clay but for twelve other people, each responsible for one of the thirteen reasons.

I can't begin to describe how deeply affected I am by this story even though I still have yet to finish it. It hit me hard in different ways. When I wrote "The Last Night", it was because it was a song that I could identify with from both perspectives. I have entertained suicide and I have talked with people who have done the same. But this book offered an entirely new perspective. Instead of wanting to take my own life or talking someone out of taking their own, this book made me think of how I treat everyone. Not just the people I know, but the people I don't know as well. The people I see at school or around my neighborhood. As a Christian, I've been raised to treat everyone with the kind of love that Jesus Christ has given each and every one of us. However, if I'm honest, I don't always do that. At all. Not nearly as much as I want to. I'm very rarely outright horrible to someone but as I've learned from reading this book, that doesn't really matter. How many times have I passed by someone who just needed a little smile to brighten their day? How many times have I hidden behind my textbooks at school to avoid talking to people because I'm painfully shy, while missing the person sitting right next to me who feels completely alone? How many times have I believed someone when they say that they're okay when deep down inside, they're hurting?

What I've learned from reading "Thirteen Reasons Why" is that no matter how big or small, every single word or action that comes from me, has a consequence. Sometimes, that consequence is small, just like that word or action. Other times, that consequence might be far larger than I could ever imagine. A while ago, my worship pastor at church was talking about the power of words and how they always _always_ have an effect. Words are hard to forget. I remember cruel things said to me whether they were last week or several years ago when I was in middle school. The same goes for actions. I remember being shunned and ignored by my peers because I wasn't as outgoing as they were. I remember people talking to me, pretending to be nice, even though it was obvious that they'd rather be anywhere else in the world. The littlest thing can set me off sometimes and then everything else can just snowball.

Hannah is a fictional character. But she represents countless numbers of lives that have been lost far too soon. The loneliness and hopelessness Hannah felt is very real. I've felt it myself many times before and I know I'll feel it all again. But it doesn't have to be this way. It can be better. Maybe not completely better, but there's always room for improvement, right? So I'm challenging you, as well as myself, to think before you speak. Think before you act. Sure, something may seem harmless and even funny to us and the others around us. We joke around and use sarcasm because it makes us feel clever. But what if it hurts someone? Would you care? Would you stop it if you knew that it hurt someone or would you keep going because you want to be popular? Maybe you don't want to be the kid that everyone, including yourself shuns or ignores or bullies or picks on. Well, regardless of your religious beliefs, I think we can all look at Matthew 7:12 and give it some consideration. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up. Basically? "Treat others as you would like to be treated?" Is it really that hard? What if everyone did it? I know that's a long shot, given that we live in a fallen world. But it wouldn't hurt to try. Anyone can make a difference, and no matter how small that difference is, it will always matter. Is it really that hard to think?

Maybe you're on the receiving end of all the hate there is in this world. Maybe you're the one who is on the edge of giving up. Maybe you're lost and helpless and you just don't want to deal with anything or anyone anymore. Maybe you feel worthless and that the reasons you should die, outweigh the reasons you should live. Well. I have news for you. You are one hundred percent, wrong. You could not be more wrong. You are not worthless. You are an absolutely beautiful person who deserves to be loved and to be happy. Which brings me to the idea I have for this story.

It's not what you think. It's not going to be "Thirteen Reasons Why" and be about Logan recording cassette tapes with thirteen reasons why he decided to end his life. It's going to be thirteen reasons why he decided _not_ to end his life. It's going to be about the thirteen people who gave him hope when he felt hopeless. It's going to be about the thirteen people who gave him love when he felt unloved. It's going to be about the thirteen people who showed him the true measure of his worth when he felt worthless.

I did this myself. I encourage you to do the same. It doesn't have to be thirteen reasons. It doesn't have to be ten. It doesn't have to be five or even two. All you need is one reason. That's absolutely all you need. And if you can't find that reason, then please, don't hesitate to talk to me. You can send my a personal message or even email me. My email address is right on my profile. Don't be afraid. I'm here for you and even though I probably don't know who, I care for you. I love you as a person and I want you to be happy. I can be your one reason and if you want, I can tell you about the greatest reason of all. Just ask. I promise that I won't push or pry. You tell me what you want when you want.

Before I wrap up this insanely long author's note that I hope you've all read and taken to heart, I want to ask you to do something. As soon as you have the money and the time, please go pick up a copy of this book. You won't regret it. I normally roll my eyes when I hear that a book or a movie "changes you life" but this time, it's real. Get your hands on this book and read it. Then go on the books website and read everything there. Finally, don't just ignore it and walk away. Apply what you've learned to your daily life.

Finally, here is the list of people who will be in this story. If you don't recognize some of the names, they are original characters that I've created simply because "Big Time Rush" doesn't have enough characters with substance for something like this. So bear with me while I muddle through them. Thank you.

**THE LIST**

**1). The "Others"**

**2). Danny**

**3). Jo**

**4). Camille**

**5). Luke**

**6). The Diamonds**

**7). The Garcias**

**8). Logan's Parents**

**9). Katie**

**10). Mrs. Knight**

**11). James**

**12). Carlos**

**13). Kendall**

The list will go in the order they are listed, from top to bottom. In case you don't know, Danny is my OC from "How to Save a Life" and Luke is from "September" and a couple of one-shots. As for "The Others", well it might come as a surprise to you, but hopefully, you won't have to wait for long. Hang in there! I'm not going to include anything in this "chapter" of sorts. Think of it as an introduction. I plan to update this before "How to Save a Life" so please let me know what you think! Please remember that I love you all!

~Miss Fenway.


	2. Cassette 1 Side A:  The Others

**A/N. Thank you to everyone who read this story. It really means a lot to me because of what I've gone through and what a lot of us have gone through. My hope is that it at least makes you stop and think, if only for a second longer than usual. Sometimes a second is all it takes.**

**Anyway, this chapter is a little personal. Actually, they'll all be personal. Because it may be Logan's thoughts of other people, but really it's my thoughts of people in my own life. This one in particular, is something that I think we can all relate in someone or another. So please remember, that you are never alone. I'll let the rest of this do the talking for me. Italics are used for song lyrics and flashbacks. I don't own anything.**

**Reason Number One: "The Others".**

"_You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper! Like a skyscraper!" -Skyscraper by Demi Lovato._

I don't know what I was thinking when I started making this list. What good would it do to me or anyone else for that matter? Would it really make a difference? Maybe I'd be better off writing all of this down in a journal. After all isn't this kind of thing better kept private? Then again, maybe not. Maybe it's better this way, letting others get a glimpse of the feelings I've kept locked away for so long. Maybe it would provide a healthy sort of release for me, giving me the freedom to get all of my thoughts out of their prison where they haunt me day and night. Maybe, just maybe, it would help and encourage others who struggle with the same thing. To let them know that they aren't alone.

So why these cassette tapes? Aren't they a bit archaic? I mean, does anyone actually have a cassette player anymore? Do they still sell them in regular stores or do you have to search for them online or go to an antique store? Possibly. I suppose that the antique store thing was a bit of a stretch or an exaggeration. Most of you probably have one of these handy pieces of equipment in your attic or basement or you know someone who does. I think that's why I chose the tapes. Because it wouldn't be something posted online that you could put off, ignore, or even forget about. It's not in the form of a letter that you could rip up or burn without taking one glance at it. These tapes are more than that. They piqued your curiosity, didn't they? It forced you to do a little work to find the answer. And once you found that answer, well, let's just hope that it won't be easy for you to forget.

In case you're wondering what you're listening to, since I have yet to explain it very well, let me spare you the agony of waiting any longer. My name is Logan Mitchell. I am seventeen years old. And I suffer from depression. It's not the kind of depression that requires me to drug myself so that I wind up staring off in the distance while those around me regard me with pity or disgust. But it is the kind of depression that makes me slightly more fragile than I would like to be. Want to know a secret? I think we all have this kind of depression at some point in our lives. The difference in everyone is how we handle it.

Why am I telling you this, you might be wondering? Well. If you do handle your depression in the right way (which is different for everyone by the way), then you'll be okay. You just have to find out what works for you. I don't mean that you should find temporary means of escape in drugs or alcohol or other stupid, idiot stuff like that. I mean, finding an escape that is more permanent, tangible, one that won't leave you feeling lost, alone, and empty in the end. But more on that later.

Let me just admit something. I haven't always handled my depression in the correct way. I let things people have said or done get to me. I've let them stay with me, burying themselves deep under my skin until the right moment comes and, like a disease, they come roaring to the surface, destroying my optimism. And by destroying my optimism, I mean, really destroying my optimism. I mean, leaving me with nothing but deep, dark thoughts that scared me, Suicidal thoughts.

It started in middle school. How could anyone forget middle school? Or high school for that matter? Those six years of hell on earth for anyone at some time in their education. We were bullied, beat up on, made fun of, shunned, ignored, and told that we just weren't good enough. And sometimes. . . sometimes we took our hurt feelings out on others.

The way I always viewed those six years, was much like Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Theory. Only the strong survive. Me? I wasn't strong. I didn't take my feelings out on others but I never told anyone of my troubles. I never felt like I could trust anyone enough. So I let it all happen. If you were one of those people that fought to stay on top, then this part is for you. "The Others". It doesn't have anything to do with the TV show, _Lost. _I never watched _Lost. _There was absolute zero logic in that show and I like things to make at least a little sense. No. "The Others" was just what I came up with as the first of my thirteen reasons.

What reason, you ask? The reason I have decided _not_ to kill myself. Sounds a little backwards, doesn't it? Well, so what if it is? Because one thing I've learned in life, is that if something isn't working for you, then make a few changes. Maybe then things will work out better. So now that I've finally reached the point of these tapes, let's begin, shall we?

To those who beat me up with their fists and their words. To those who used me for their convenience or to make them look better. To those who shunned or ignored me because I wasn't into the "cool things" you were into like underage (and illegal by the way) activities like drinking, drug use, smoking and sex. To those who were my friends and then moved onto new friends, shoving me away from you because you didn't want to risk your popularity. And last, but certainly not least, to those who his behind anonymous rumors and messages who told me that I was worthless and that I should kill myself to rid everyone of the parasite that I was in their otherwise perfect little lives. To those who pushed me so close to the edge that there were times I almost fell off, thank you.

I know what you're thinking. Why am I thanking you if all you did for the years we were forced together make my life a living nightmare? Why am I thanking you if all you did was torture me and want to kill myself? Well, because like I said before, this whole thing is a little backwards. The reason you're on these tapes is because you're a reason I decided not to kill myself. Because that would have be giving you exactly what you want. Tell me, why in the world would I give you what you want? No, I'm not going to end my life because you told me to. There's no reason for that. Absolutely none. It's my revenge to you.

Don't worry, that's all I'll do to you. I'm not going to find a way to get back at you fifteen years from now. I'm simply going to ignore everything you tell me and everything you do to me from now. That's all. And you know something? It's more than enough for you and for me. I know it'll drive you crazy when you finally realize how little your words and actions affect me now. You'll have to step up your game, maybe step out of the shadow and anonymity and tell me in person what you really think of me. But it won't work. Nothing will. You can't change my mind. Might as well give up.

Hold on, you're not getting off the hook that easily. First, let me at least attempt to teach you a lesson to soften your heart, or maybe give you a heart, since some of you seem to be lacking that particular necessity. Just listen for a little while. Instead of doing all the talking like you usually do, just listen for once in your life.

Why? Why do you feel it necessary to tear other people down? Why can't you just be a little kinder to the people you come across in your life? What did we do to deserve all the crap you continue to throw at us? Maybe you don't have the greatest life. Maybe behind that smirk, you're actually hurting just as much as the rest of us lowlifes. If that's the case, than I really am sorry that you have to suffer. But does it really make you feel better to hurt others? You're just continuing the cycle of abuse that you're trapped in. Get out of whatever terrible situation you're caught in right now and then get help. There's people waiting and willing to help. All you have to do is ask. And then? Treat people with the love that you so badly desire. It'll come back around, trust me.

Ready for some specifics? Don't worry, I won't use names. You can all remain anonymous like I know you all love to. You all know who you are anyway. That's all that matters. Let's focus on rumors here, shall we? Rumors are always fun.

Unnamed Girls. Remember that time you asked me out? We were in eleventh grade. You were one of the prettiest most popular girls in high school. Actually it had been that way ever since grade school. Look how far we've come. Or not. Anyway, I couldn't believe it. You asked me, Logan Mitchell out. The geek. The nerd. The one who was an orphan and had his three best friends tagging after him, taking care of him like he couldn't take care of himself. In a word, I was pathetic. So why _you_ would ask _me _out was a complete mystery. Not to my friends though. They said that you must have finally come to your senses. Right.

Let me ask you something. Did you mean to stand me up? Make me wait all by myself for an hour in the diner before you came in with the quarterback? Or did you really and truly just. . . forget? Yeah. I'm so sure that you forgot. The crowd of friends that laughed at my expense was just a coincidence right? Sure. What about your friend? The one who walked over to my table, acting all sympathetic and then sat down saying that we could hang out.

Of course, us "hanging out" mostly involved her trying to have sex with me right in the booth. Maybe that's a little extreme. But it didn't help when she suddenly pushed me off (ironic since that's what I had been trying to do since she started shoving her tongue down my throat. It didn't help that thanks to the fact that she had been all over me, her clothes were a little. . . askew. It didn't help that she slapped me and then hurried away, close to tears, back to her friends. That's all it took.

Suddenly, geeky Logan Mitchell had cheated on his girlfriend and tried to rape her best friend. Suddenly, Logan Mitchell had a reputation. None of it was true of course. It never even left outside the circle of the student body. None of the teaching staff or parents ever heard about that little incident. Because it wasn't true and if an adult did find out then. . . well, the truth would be revealed. It's impossible to ever forget a rumor, just so you know.

Unnamed Guys. What idiot said that only girls have to deal with backstabbing among people they consider to be friends? Or was I just lucky? Was I the only one to be welcomed into a circle of the more popular guys, only to be suddenly shoved away the minute he shared anything remotely personal? It was in eighth grade and I had vaguely mentioned that my mom had died when I was six?

Tell me. How in the world did my life story go from having an absent father and a dead mother, to having a alcoholic, abusive dad because his wife had left him for a man fifteen years younger? What kind of sick person spreads rumors about _dead_ people. That was my mother you were lying about. My mother. And okay, maybe I didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad but I still loved him. He never laid a hand on me. Never cursed at me. Never hit me. Never gave me bruises that the whole school would stare at. Those bruises were from you, which makes you even sicker. Beating me up and blaming it on my dad.

Is it still that funny? Rumors are forever. You can't erase them. Once they start. . . they never _ever_ end even if you want them to. Know why? Because they're always more fun than the truth. I don't know why and I don't think I ever will. I'll never understand why people like to make other people's lives so miserable. Here's an idea. Instead of hurting someone, why don't you try making them feel good about themselves? Because I don't know if you've noticed or not, but the bullying does not help. Does it really make you feel better to watch someone else hurt? Of course not. Do you deserve to hurt? No. So why does anyone else deserve to hurt?

So. With that said, here's the next assignment for your long overdue lesson. Listen to the rest of the tapes and then pass them on to the next person on the list. That's all. Maybe, on one of these other tapes where I talk about the people who had a positive impact on my life, you'll actually learn a thing or two. At least that's what I'm hoping. So, what are you waiting for?

**A/N. All right. I want to say right away that I was never treated on such a horrible level. Not from the examples that I gave anyway. I also want to say that the effects that are mentioned in this chapter will pop up in future chapters. Lastly, I hope this got a point across. Remember, if you need to talk, I'm here. Love you all! Alcoholic **


	3. Cassette 1 Side B:  Danny

**A/N. Guys, the response I've received for this story means so much. I can't remember the last time writing a story has been so important to me and to know that it's being read is just. . . incredible. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. **

**Okay, now that "How to Save a Life" is over, I can finally get on with this story. You'll see why I had to put it on hold in this chapter. I won't go on any longer except to dedicate this particular chapter to a life that was taken far too soon. If you've read my one-shot "Heaven", then you might have an idea of who I'm talking about. Of course, his circumstances were much different then Danny's and they were of course, real. But Jon had the kind of impact on my life that Danny had on Logan's life. So this is for, Jon. We miss you but I know we'll see you again someday. For now, I hope I live at least half the life that you did in whatever time I have here.**

**I don't own anything. **

**Reason Number Two: Danny.**

"_And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time, a song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live." - Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World._

Have you ever known someone who died before their time? Someone who was way too young to die? Maybe you didn't know that person, but you heard about their death and thought about how wrong it was that their life was over. I think we all have experienced that sudden shock when we realize how short life can be. We take it for granted far too often and then when we lose someone. . . our entire perspective is changed.

That's what it was like with Danny. I met him a the drug rehab center I went to last year. Yeah, remember that time I actually _did_ try to kill myself? I almost succeeded. In fact, the doctors said it was a miracle that I'm alive today.

At this point on this tape, you may have a few questions. Like, why am I talking to a dead guy? Or, who was Danny? It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short.

There was a time when I got caught up in some really stupid things. I got addicted to drugs to be completely honest with you. I won't go into detail, but it started off when prescribed sleeping pills and ended with a suicide attempt while I was coming off of a high on uppers. I wasn't thinking clearly at all, but that's no excuse. The point is, I was wrong. Not just getting addicted in the first place, but trying to erase my mistakes by trying to erase my life.

Anyway, after I recovered enough, my mom sent me to a drug rehab center in Minnesota. Boy, was that a wake-up call. It was bad enough seeing much I had hurt everyone I loved. But then to be taken away from them and be forced to live with a bunch of strangers. . . that was terrifying. I just wanted to go home, but I was afraid of even that. I thought that no one could possibly love me after what I had done to them. My actions were unforgivable. At least that's what I thought when I first came to live in my temporary new home.

Danny was my roommate. He was a little older than me, maybe nineteen. He had messed up too. Only his struggle started long before mine did. He started doing drugs when he was thirteen, still in middle school, and wasn't found out until his sophomore year of high school. I managed to keep my dark secret for a few months, but Danny kept his for _years_. By then, he had moved on to the "bigger stuff". It was heroin that his girlfriend found in his bedroom. Heroin is one of the most addictive drugs out there and people say that there's no such thing as your last shot.

He was one of those people who went in and out of rehab. When I met him, he had been there for only two months but it was his fifth stay. He did well at the rehab center but once they sent him back out into the real world where the temptation is _everywhere_, he continually fell back into the same trap over and over again.

Most people would have let this discourage them and maybe they would even give up. Not Danny. In fact, you're probably thinking all of these things about him that are actually totally wrong. He wasn't a bully or a jerk or some hopeless case. He was far from hopeless and he gave me hope while I knew him. I was at the lowest point in my life ever and yet he somehow managed to keep me from slipping completely off the edge.

Danny didn't believe in impossible. He believed that anything was possible as long as you didn't try to do it on your own. And what he made me see was that I wasn't alone. Yes, I screwed up and didn't deserve to be forgiven at all. But I did have people who still loved and cared about me despite my horrible mistakes and that meant that I couldn't give up. Danny helped me see that. The two weeks I wasn't allowed to have any visitors, Danny was constantly there for me. He made sure I was never alone. He was exactly what I didn't deserve and exactly what I needed. I'm pretty certain that I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for him.

He saved my life in two different ways. The first was when I was going through drug withdrawal so badly that I actually hallucinated and nearly jumped off of the roof. Danny had been the one to pull me back to safety and back to reality. The second way he saved my life was by making me see that I had been given a second chance and that I couldn't waste it.

What I learned from him was that life is a really amazing gift no matter how miserable it may seem at times. It's what you make it. Everyone makes mistakes. Some of those are little mistakes that can be brushed aside or forgotten and some are bigger and harder, if not impossible, to ever truly forget. But no matter the size of our mistakes, they can't define us for the rest of our lives. Not if we don't let them. Instead of letting them hold us back or drag us down, we can learn from them and move on.

That's what Danny taught me before he died. He died of a heart attack even though he was only twenty years old. It was the drugs that he had been abusing his body with for years. They had been taking their toll on him since he was thirteen and it had finally become too much. But contrary to what a lot of people might think, his life was not a waste. Sure he did a lot of stupid, stupid things, but the good always outweighs the bad.

Danny didn't just help me, he helped a lot of kid with the same problems. When we wanted to give up, he was always there, pushing us further than we could ever imagine. A lot of us wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for Danny. He saved a lot of people and he could have saved a lot more people.

Which is why I don't understand why he died when he did. He had so many good things ahead of him. But then again, like he taught me, so did I. It all depended on what I did with my future. And it's because of Danny and several other amazing people that I have a future. It's because of them that I'm still here. They've given me hope and love and forgiveness that I haven't deserved. They've given me the desire to keep on living. I hope that one day I can have one tenth of the impact on someone that Danny had on my life.

**A/N. I know this was really short especially after such an incredibly long wait. I apologize. My head and my heart have not been in the right places for some time now but I think I'm finally getting back on track. Thank you so much for putting up with me, you guys. You're all amazing. I love you all!**


	4. Casette 2 Side A: Jo

**A/N. Thanks so much for all of the support you guys are giving me for this story. It has not been an easy subject to tackle so you're all helping out much more than you probably realize. Thank you. **

**I have to point out a continuity mistake I made in including Danny in this story for the last chapter. It was more or less intentionally because although "How to Save A Life" doesn't line up with my other stories (for example, Camille and Jo aren't even mentioned), I thought he was too important of a character to leave out. So please bear with me in the fact that his chapter is out of place and doesn't relate to any of the other chapters. **

**This chapter is short, because there's honestly not that much material to work with for the relationship between Jo and Logan. However, I thought it was important that I included her not just because Logan was once attracted to her (Big Time Love Song) but because Logan and Kendall are often brothers in my stories, so Jo would be important to Logan and his brother's girlfriend. I also think that she's important to include because of the best friend relationship between her and Camille even though it wasn't portrayed that way very often on the show. I hope that makes sense. **

**I don't own anything.**

**Reason Number Three: Jo.**

You and Kendall have been together for a little over a year now. You're the perfect couple. Even though you're so young. I never thought that true love could exist at such a young age. Sure, you had your ups and downs, but who hasn't? I've always believed that you would stay together for a long time and that with maturity, your love would grow even stronger. The love between you and Kendall gave me hope.

I don't know if you even remember this, Jo, but there was a time when I had a crush on you. In fact, all four of us thought we were head over heels in love the moment we first saw you. You know, love at first sight. But it didn't take too long to realize two things. One, there was no way that Camille would let you have me even if you wanted me. Two, that you were meant to belong to Kendall. However, you're still a much bigger part of my life than you probably realize, Jo. Why? Because you make the people I love really happy.

Camille first. You're her best friend. The two of you are only separated when Kendall and I take you out on dates and even then we almost always double. It's like the four of us made a new set of the four musketeers that Kendall, Carlos, James, and I have always been. We don't take the place of the original of course, but there's still that special bond between us. I think it's because you and Camille are so close and Kendall and I are so close.

You're like another sister to me, Jo. Katie is amazing of course and she and Camille get along really well which I'm grateful for. But you're the sister that's the same age as my girlfriend who takes care of her when I can't be there myself. Does that make sense? I know Camille struggles a lot more than she lets on with her confidence. She can get really down on herself sometimes. Even though she's incredibly mature for her age, Katie is too young for a lot of what Camille goes through sometimes. And even though she depends on me for a lot of it, sometimes she needs another girl to be there for her. That's you. You're a loyal friend to everyone.

Kendall is a little more complex. He's my best friend and my brother. Actually, as he likes to remind me constantly, he's technically my _older _brother because three months makes a difference to him. Ever since I can remember, he's used this three month advantage to be the most annoyingly overprotective "big brother" that anyone could imagine. And I love him for it. Kendall is everything to me, Jo, and it kills me every time I see him get hurt.

He's stronger on the outside than he is on the inside. He's always strong for other people, but he never lets people be strong for him. His parents divorced when we were eleven, you know that. And you know that it still hurts him every once in a while. But you didn't see how much it hurt him when it first happened. It was terrifying seeing Kendall so helpless and vulnerable, needing to lean on us instead of the other way around. We made it though just like we always have and always will. Together.

I know that one of the things Kendall struggled with after his parents' divorce was the concept of love. It had shaken him deeply, seeing his mom and dad unable to save their marriage. It's not like they ever hated each other but it's like they actually fell out of love. When you're a little kid, you never hear of people falling out of love. That's not how the fairy tales go. A man and woman fall in love and they live happily ever after.

There was no happily ever after for Kendall's mom and dad and even though he never voluntarily let anyone see it, we could all see the scar it had left behind. He doubted love. He doubted that it could be real and that people could stay together forever. It didn't really matter that Carlos' parents were the exact opposite, never to be apart from each other, or that James' parents were happily married too. All that he knew was that his parents could stay together.

I think part of his fear was that he thought he might have inherited something from his parents. If they could love, then why should he as their son, be able to love someone one day? There's nothing wrong with being single, nothing at all. Especially when we're still young. But up until we met you, I think we were all afraid for Kendall and his lack in confidence in love and himself.

But you changed that, Jo. You changed him. For the better. You've made him believe in love all over again. You make him so happy. He trusts you. After all he's been through, that's a very big deal. You might never really know the difference because you didn't know him before. But I can see it and so can anyone who knew him back in Minnesota.

He's not just happier but he's also more relaxed. He's not constantly on guard or protecting himself from getting too close to someone. When his dad left, all Kendall was left with was his mother, his sister, and a deep sense of abandonment. He was afraid that everyone would leave him after that. He and his dad were and still are very close. I think that made the whole thing worse though, because there was always a part of Kendall wondering why his father had to leave if he still loved him.

He had changed when his parents divorced and it wasn't for the better. The first year was the worst. He was quieter and slightly more distant unless we really needed him. When we were just having fun he always seemed like his mind was on other things. We could see, even though we were only eleven, that he was afraid we would leave him too, and it seemed like no matter what we did to prove him wrong, that he was constantly pulling slowly away from us to prepare himself.

Thankfully, that only lasted about a year until he realized that he was stuck with us. But it was different around people he didn't know as well as us. He didn't make friends as easily as other kids our age. Of course, the four of us were almost always together so there really was no need to make more friends. But it was like he couldn't make friends because he was afraid of trusting a new person that much.

Then we moved to LA and after a while, we met you. Even though all of us were vying for your attention, it was easy to see, looking back, that it was real love at first sight with Kendall. I had never seen him so drawn to a girl before. It wasn't just a crush like it was for me and James and Carlos. For him, it was the real thing. He instantly let you in.

Your relationship has only grown stronger over the last year and you know by now that Kendall isn't as confident as he seems to most strangers. But that's because he lets you see who he really is and the things and people he fears. He lets you see who he really is. He trusts you. He let you past all of his barriers and I'll always be thankful toward you for that. You've done so much for my big brother and I love you for it, so thank you.

I know this may not seem like a huge reason for me to stay alive, but trust me, it is. When the people I love the most are happy, I'm happy too. Not just the false sense of happiness that will eventually wear off and leave me feeling worse than before, but the kind of happiness that stays with me even when I'm in the darkest of places. It gives me something to hold on to.

I know we're all still seventeen and young, but I love Camille and I believe that one day we'll be married. And I believe just as strongly that you and Kendall will be married one day and you'll be my sister-in-law. I believe that James and Carlos will find someone who deserves them and that they'll be married one of these days. I want that future for all of us, Jo. So when my past is holding me back and darkening my present, it's the future that I can look towards and find the strength to smile again.

So not only have you made Camille and Kendall happy, which they deserve, and made me happy in turn, but you've also given me hope. You've made me see an amazing future and that keeps me moving forward no matter how rough things get. I owe you more than you realize, so thank you.

**A/N. I apologize once again for the long wait and the shortness of this chapter but I actually got to it before I thought I would and it was longer than I thought it would be so that makes me feel a little better. **

**Anyway, I hope that I managed to get this specific point across which was, that even when we're depressed, we should take joy in the fact that the people we love are happy. And that no matter how lousy our past or present it, the future is what we make it and it can be better. There's always hope. I'll try to update soon, but in the meantime, please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I love you all!**


	5. Casette 2 Side B: Camille

**A/N. Once again, thank you to all of you who continue to review this story. Your support means the world to me, especially with this story because like I said before, it's not easy to write at all. You're all helping me so much more than you could possibly know.**

**This chapter is obviously a little more straight forward obviously because the relationship between Logan and Camille is much easier to write about. Despite the fact that they're an "on again, off again" couple on the show, I almost always have them as a couple in my stories and this only continues that trend. It's probably the least personal chapter for me because I've never had a relationship like this, but a lot of what Logan says is still relevant. I hope this story continues to help some of you out.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Reason Number Four: Camille**

_"I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around, but she takes it all for me. And I lost my faith, in my darkest days, but she makes me want to believe." - She is Love by Parachute._

There are three kinds of people in this world when it comes to love. The kind that don't believe in love, the kind that believe in love and nothing else, and the kind that have no idea what to believe. Kendall was part of this first group until he met Jo and now he's changed. So have I. Except that I was part of the third group. When it came to love, I was as lost as I could possibly be.

You know why, Camille. I was young when my mother died, but I still remember her. I remember how in love my parents were with each other and I never once doubted that they both loved me too. But after my mom died, things changed. My dad stopped loving me. And I began to question the idea of love. Because if death can kill the love one person has for another, is it really that strong? Shouldn't it be able to survive? Not for my dad. His love died along with my mom. And that hurt. That hurt a lot.

I think it was when I was eight or nine that I started questioning the idea of love. By then I was old enough so that I wasn't oblivious to my dad's weakening attention span, and that was when Kendall's parents started having problems in their marriage. It's hard to see so many people you look up to come undone like they did, especially when you're a little kid. But back then I didn't really realize what was happening. It wasn't until I grew older that I realized how much damage had been done.

See, Kendall and I are a lot more alike than anyone might see at first glance. You have to get to know us both a little better. I think that's why we've always been just a little bit closer to each other than James and Carlos. Don't get me wrong, I don't love them any less than I do Kendall. But there's Carlos with his happy family with five sisters, a great mom, and an incredible father. There's James who is an only child with two happily married parents who support his dream just like every parent should. Then there's me and Kendall with our screwed up families. It's that broken connection that keeps us so close.

This isn't about Kendall though or even myself. It's about you, Camille. And how you, like Jo has done for Kendall, changed my life. You pushed past every wall I had unconsciously built up around me and stripped away all of my insecurities. Only love can do that.

I'll be the first to admit that we're nothing alike. You're bold, determined, and a dreamer. When you're in the room, everyone wants to watch and listen to you because you're so captivating and fascinating. Me? People use words like "shy", "grounded", and "levelheaded" to describe me. Well. People who understand me anyway. Not everyone understands. Those people like to use words like, "boring", "stuck-up", and other words that I won't repeat. You get the point though. The two of us make about as much sense as. . . well, we don't make any sense.

But then again, I've made a life out of connecting with people who are nothing like me. Look at my best friends! I mean, aside from what I already mentioned with me and Kendall both coming from broken families, there's nothing that we have in common. Yeah we all play hockey, and yeah we like to sing and dance. But not everyone who plays hockey gets along and the same goes for people who like to sing and dance. The four of us are as different as four best friends could get.

And yet, maybe that's why we work so well together. Maybe that's why you and I work so well together, Camille. It's more than opposites attract. It's that we're not whole until we're together. It's that when we're alone, we're missing a bunch of little things. When we're together, those missing things are found in each other and we become complete.

There's another question about love that people will always be divided over. Is there one special person for everyone or can we really pick and choose? I think it's a mixture of both. Obviously the pick and choose method doesn't work out for everyone, we all witnessed that firsthand with Kendall's parents. But I also believe that if you do find that special someone and you lose that special someone, you can find love again.

My dad could have found love again. He was never a bad person, Camille, please understand that. I know that my friends, especially Kendall, have the tendency to paint this really awful picture of him. But he was just misunderstood. There's something about love that a lot of people forget to consider.

To truly love another, I believe you must first love yourself. Not that kind of love where you're narcissistic or anything, but that kind of love where you know that you're important and that you deserve to be happy and to be loved. That's so hard sometimes. We look at all of our failings and wonder how we could ever be loved by anyone. But then we become so wrapped up in thinking that we don't deserve to be loved, that all we're thinking about is ourselves, and we forget how to love others.

That's the way it was for my dad, Camille. He lost himself in his grief after the accident. He questioned why he had ever been so fortunate to have love in the first place and then decided that he didn't deserve love at all. He had this deep self-hatred and made him blind to those he still had left. Made him blind to me.

Since then, I've always been afraid to love. I've been afraid of love. I was always terrified that I would be just like my own father. I didn't want to pass along the damage that he had done to me. No one deserved to be hurt like that or to be made to feel totally worthless.

But thanks to you and everyone else on these tapes, I know now that the people you know will only affect your life if you let them. Sure, it's hard to ignore the ones who drag us down whether it's intentional or not. But you can define your life by how you live and the choices you make if you really want to. You can choose to think only of those who hurt you and be miserable for your entire life and make everyone around you miserable, or you can let yourself be loved and love others in return.

Kendall, James, and Carlos have always made me feel like that, Camille. But you have too. And you've also made me feel like I can be happy without feeling guilty. That I can love and be loved. That I can have a family of my own and not be a total screw-up.

I want to marry you one day, Camille. I want to be your husband so much. I want to wake up to you beside me every morning and to go to sleep with you at my side every night. I want to raise a family with you. I know we're still both so young, way too young to be thinking about marriage. But I can't help myself with you. I can easily see you in my future. When I look at my future, I see my best friends and you. That's all I want and all I need.

My father was also afraid to love again after he lost my mom. He was afraid of being hurt. Maybe that's another reason I had doubts. Love should be able to handle anything. It does. True love anyway. That's why I know that if I were to lose any of you, I would be okay. Of course it wouldn't be easy. Of course, I might even become depressed for a long while. But I know that I would always have someone to pull me back from the edge and make me realize that despite my losses, life is still worth living. I wouldn't let myself be blinded my grief like my father did. He let it overtake him and he lost even more than my mother. He lost his life. He didn't die until eight years later when I was fourteen but as the years wore on after my mother's death, I saw my father die slowly, by degrees. That's not going to happen to me.

So thank you, Camille. For letting me see that I needed to know that I was deserving of your love in order to love you. And for making me realize that love exists in the first place as long as we let it. And for giving me hope for my future with you and my friends. Love really is all we need. Thank you for everything, Camille. I love you so much and I promise that I always will.

**A/N. I know these chapters are often short and that there are long stretches of time in between each chapter. But I want them to be as perfect as possible and I'm finding that more often than not, the message just needs to be short and simple. The message of this entire story is actually quite simple. It's that love is all we need and that we have to not only give it away, but to take it as well. I think that a lot of us spend too much time on only one of these things and that we need to do both to be truly happy and have peace in our lives. Does that make sense?**

**For this chapter specifically, I just want you all to know that you deserve to be loved. You're all incredible individuals, but you can't give away your love and not expect anything back. I realize it may sound confusing because it could come off as sounding selfish when I say "love yourself". But I really believe that if you go through life thinking that you're worthless and undeserving of love, then you can't really give any love out. You can only give what you have. **

**I'm not sure when I'll be able to update next because my schedule has been a little crazy and I'll be especially busy for a while after today. But hopefully it won't be weeks and weeks without an update. I also would love to get the "Love Thyself" series really going so I can finish everything before Christmas. I have a special Christmas story planned and it's going to be very happy after all this angst I've been writing. I'd love to be able to focus on just that one story. In the meantime, I love you all and if you have a minute, please let me know what you thought about this chapter! Thank you!**


	6. Cassette 3 Side A:  Luke

**A/N. I haven't updated this story in months and I apologize for that. It's very important to me and I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go for so long. I think it's mostly because the subject matter isn't something I wanted to think about for several months, even though it's something no one should avoid. Depression, suicide, it's all very real and all around us. Whether it's people we known people we don't know or ourselves. It's not something we can or even should sweep under the rug and ignore. It will always come back to bite us, it will always hurt, and it will always leave scars. The best thing to do is to face it together and know that we're never alone. **

**I don't know how many of you have read my story, "September" or the stories based around it, but my favorite original character that I've come up with is, Luke Adams. You don't have to read anything with him in it, because pretty much anything you need to know, you'll learn from reading this as well. I hope this chapter goes as well as I'd like it to because it's just as important as the others. You've all known the other characters for the most part, so you've probably had a good idea of their relationship with Logan and the need for the chapter. When it's someone whom I've created, I need to get more across than usual. I really hope I do that with this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**Reason Number Five: Luke**

_"I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero (save me now). I need a hero to save my life. A hero will save me (just in time)." -Hero by Skillet._

What is a hero? The dictionary defines a hero as, "a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities. A person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal." It's interesting how the dictionary can say so much and yet so little at the same time. Two sentences to define such an important person. I remember being nine and seeing the obituary for Kendall's grandfather in the paper. I wondered how a person's entire life could be condensed to eleven lines. Perfect strangers would read every word and think they knew something about Grandpa Knight, but it's one thing to know about someone and another thing entirely to know someone. It's the second one that's important. The one that matters. Knowing about is all in the brain. Knowing comes from the heart.

Luke moves to Minnesota when we were seven. He was a rookie cop, straight out of the academy and assigned to work with Carlos' father. Mr. Garcia later told us that he was worried about Luke because he was reckless, impulsive, and basically a police chief's worst nightmare when it came to an officer in training. He thought that Luke wouldn't last long without either dying or losing his job. The very next thing he said was, "But I've never been so grateful to be wrong." It's no wonder he said that. Carlos wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Luke.

Like I said, we were seven. Our parents were finally letting us live our big dream at that time: We were camping in a real tent out in Carlos' backyard, all by ourselves. Okay, maybe not _all _by ourselves. The tent had two big rooms and Carlos; dad would be sleeping in one of them. But Papa, as I've called him ever since I can remember, was the coolest adult in the world, so it was okay. And, naturally, we thought we were the coolest kids ever and that it would be the most fun we would ever have together. And at first it started out that way. Once Mrs. Garcia had fed us her "world famous" (world famous according to us at the time), we went outside and planned the rest of the night. Make s'mores, tell scary ghost stories, stay up all night, play Hide and Seek. . .

That's where it went wrong. I can't remember who's idea it was and how we wound up going off into the woods behind the Garcias' house without telling anyone, but we did. Kendall counted and we went off to go hide. If we thought twice about our actions, I don't remember. I doubt we did. We were only seven and we didn't know what we were doing. We were just having fun. We had played Hide and Seek in those woods so many times that I guess we all thought we could find our way back to the house blindfolded. We never thought about how we only ever played back there in the day time when everything was bright and easy to see.

Have you ever noticed how different things look in the dark? Shapes disappear and you run into things. Shapes also appear out of nowhere, making you see and run from things that don't even exist. The darkness lies. Sometimes it tells you that everything is okay and that you're safe and sound when in reality, you're not. There are things or people that might take you and hurt you or- And sometimes the darkness lies by saying just the opposite: That there are monsters in your room when it's actually just your bookshelf. I don't like the darkness.

It didn't take long at all for everything, and I mean _everything _to go wrong. Carlos tried to climb a tree to hide, fell, and twisted his ankle. By the time we all found each other again, it was dark and we had wanted farther back than ever before. It was cold and raining and our one flashlight battery died shortly after we realized what was happening. We were lost and the only thing we could do since Carlos couldn't walk, was wait for a rescue. We waited for Carlos' dad and his dog, Scout to find us.

Instead it was Luke and his dog, Shadow. We had never seen or even heard of Luke before and I remember Kendall not trusting him right away. Carlos on the other hand. . . Carlos isn't stupid. He doesn't trust people he doesn't know. He never has. Not even when he was seven. But he's always had a sixth sense of sorts that has allowed him to know if someone is trustworthy or not, only seconds after meeting them. He reads people better than anyone else I know. And that night he trusted Luke when the rest of us, especially Kendall, didn't. And Luke proved him right.

I can still see it happen like it was yesterday. Probably because for weeks afterwards I had nightmares. Watching your best friend almost die right before your eyes is never easy, and keep in mind that we were seven. Just little kids. We didn't even fully understand and up until that point, we had already been scared out of our minds. What happened next was nothing less than traumatic. I will never forget it as long as I live. Carlos almost died. He slipped, running to Luke and Shadow, and fell into the stream that was separating us.

It was too deep and too fast for Carlos to swim in even if he wasn't hurt. I don't think I ever saw his head above the water until after Luke jumped in and pulled him out. He had completely disappeared from view and instantly I thought we would never see him again. Just because I was seven didn't mean that I was completely clueless about death. My mom had died the year before and I knew what it was like to have someone in your life one day and then have them gone the next. It was horrible and I didn't think I could handle losing Carlos too.

But then, just like that, Carlos was there again. Luke had him and was pulling him to safety. He was big and strong, just what we needed that night. He was also really smart too and thank goodness, because pulling Carlos out of the water wasn't enough. Carlos wasn't breathing. He had swallowed too much water and filled his lungs until he was still and unconscious and looked, to us, dead. He looked like my mom had the day we were in the accident. He wasn't moving and his face was white, but also blue. The last person I had seen that wasn't breathing was my mom and she had died. I thought that Luke had rescued Carlos only to give us a body to bury for the funeral. But Luke saved him a second time. He gave Carlos CPR and before we knew it. . . before I knew it, Carlos was breathing again.

After that, everything was pretty easy in comparison. Luke carried Carlos to his car and we followed him. Luke won a still wary Kendall over when he asked him to watch over the rest of us and make sure that we didn't fall asleep. Luke took us home. We were safe. Our parents, even my dad once he came, couldn't thank Luke enough. He was a hero to us all. To me. Because he didn't just save my best friend's life, although believe me that was definitely the best part. Everything else was just extra, but I'll still always be grateful for all of it.

Luke is a hero to a lot of people because of what he does. He's a police officer and like the men and women like him, he risks his life every day to make the world around us a safer place. He has the courage and ability that the dictionary mentions and he's admired for being brave and noble. He's a role model. He's a hero to me personally because he saved my best friend's life. He's also saved me in another way.

Heroes, I've learned, are everywhere. As a matter of fact, I believe that anyone can be a hero if they let themselves. It's not easy. Some of us prefer to fade into the background of life and are just content with being invisible. We might be afraid of what others might think or do when we open our mouths and let everyone around us know that yeah, we do exist. But maybe being a hero isn't about us. It's not about us being praised for doing something right or being admired for doing something amazing. It's much more simple than that actually. Being a hero is being at the right place, at the right time, and taking the right course of action. Doing or saying the right thing no matter what it means for us. Being a hero is letting go of your pride or lack of self-esteem and caring about someone else more than you care for yourself. It's fighting for what's right no matter what the cost. Standing up for those who are too weak.

Maybe you think you're not strong enough. Maybe you think you're too small or too quiet or too invisible. Too unimportant. Here's something for you to think about though: Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you have a strength inside of you that you're not aware of. Maybe your size, your sex, your race, your personality. . . maybe none of it matters. Because all of that stuff is about you and I honestly don't believe that being a hero is about you. It's about others. Everyone needs a hero and so I believe that everyone is a hero. For someone else. Maybe to find your hero, you have to be one first. You have to believe in yourself and then you can help someone else. Maybe it will all come around right back to you.

**A/N. This was an incredibly short chapter and they've all been pretty short. But I don't want to lose anyone in ramblings or digressions. I just want to try and get my point across, whatever it may be. For this chapter, i just wanted to say that sometimes I feel so alone and I hate everything about myself. But I am far from the only one who feels like this, especially in today's society where we're constantly being told to be someone other than ourselves. We all need help. I just don't want to lay around and feel sorry for myself though. I want to help everyone as much as possible. Sometimes I have to let go of my own selfish tragedies and care for others. I know that, deep down, someone will always be there to pick me up when I fall, and I want to be there to catch someone else when they fall. I think that's what a true hero is.**

**The next chapter will be the Diamonds, so in other words, James' parents. I honestly don't know where I'll be going with this chapter so if any of you has a suggestion or two, please feel free to let me know either in a review for a personal message. In the meantime, I'll consult my James expert, Courtney to see if she has any ideas. I hope to update soon, but just in case, let me say again that I love you all more than words could ever say, even though I don't know you. I'd love to get to know you and if you ever need someone to talk to, please know that I care and that I am here for you. :)**


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